It scares me here

April 19
After my ‘return’ I took yet ANOTHER hiatus and i’m not proud of it. But quite frankly ive been somewhat withdrawn and in quite a pensive mood. The kind of thoughts you cant articulate, and definitely not the kind you can write about to no one in particular…

It’s just that I’m new here. And i dont know who i can trust. Everyone has ulterior motives and i’ve never been THAT kind of person. Although im pretty sure i could learn if i wanted to. But im not sure if i want to.

I’m carefree, easy-going and try to do good by everyone. It’s the best way to live really

How long has it been?

Ive finally come back to my blog after quite a long hiatus (not by choice but anyway) and ironically i seem to have chosen the exact time of the day when my brain is not working. at all.  I decided to indulge in various alcoholic beverages last night (sunday night) and lets just say this is the longest Monday ive had to live through in a while. But its fine, what matters is i’m back. I can be excused for today

Sorry Monday, but you really suck

WHERE is my head at?

I feel bad for neglecting my blog for almost two whole weeks. But in between driving lessons with an inappropriate instructor, packing up my ‘village’ life, trying to move to the big city and two day side effects of special baked goods I haven’t really been myself lately.

I can hardly get my head round all the things I need to do right now. So I’m going to make a list to try make myself feel better.

TO DO:

1. Ensure I’m a legal resident next year. Entirely arbitrary and somewhat unnecessary but it must be done 

2. Find somewhere to live in the big city! Definitely one of the biggest causes of anxiety right now

3. Be ready for Masters next year! Might have to do reading over Christmas vac (gasp) just to make sure I’m up to speed

4. Catch up with EVERYONE in the 6 days im here

5. Get my drivers licence. Not sure the current conditions are the most conducive  to achieving this particular goal

6. Meet my ex (today) and get back my mom’s handbag from him. Definitely one of the biggest causes of anxiety TODAY

7. Move all my stuff from the village to the city. Im a bit of a hoarder so this is proving to be quite difficult.

The more I think about everything I need to do the more overwhelmed I get. Im just hoping I can hold onto my sanity for a little while longer.

Why can't this be me?

Today I was curious

Today I was curious about death. Not spiritually but biologically and physically. It’s so morbid that I put off doing any actual ‘research’. But I need to know how things work, in order to fully understand what’s happening. I could only look at two links. It just didn’t feel right.  Part of me wants to be content with the fact that not everything has to be understood. But another part of me still wonders.

To cut a long story short it happens exactly how they write it will happen. I saw it all. But I didn’t understand what was happening. Maybe that was a good thing because I didn’t panic. But at the same time it was a bad thing because I didn’t panic. I didn’t even see it coming. But if it was you. And you knew it was coming. I dread to think how terrifying that feeling must be.

I’m not particularly religious. But I take comfort in the bible verse that speaks about ‘a time for everything’. Because I do believe everything happens for a reason. If this wasn’t the case then that would mean everything that happens is arbitrary, not at all connected to a ‘grand plan’.  Everyone likes to believe they are part of a master plan, and everything that happens to us is just us fulfilling our individual roles and enduring as we’re expected to. If there’s no motivation to endure then there’s no faith (in anything). If there’s no faith then there’s no hope. Without hope there’s nothing. Just a gaping hole of nothingness. No reason to even get out of bed in the morning. Faith (religion?/spirituality?) isn’t flawless but even scientists will gladly seek solace no matter how conveniently inexplicable it may be.

If only it was that easy

Im a calculaTOR but I’m not calculaTING

cal·cu·lat·ing

adj.

1. Capable of performing calculations: a calculating machine.

2.

a. Shrewd; crafty: the calculating defense of an experienced attorney.

b. Coldly scheming or conniving.

I like the first definition. I’m a type of machine sometimes. 2a isn’t bad either. Crafty is OK. But 2b bothers me.  Hence the title.

I’m a scientist. In most cases science works. Its been proven. It can be proved again and again and again. With the same results. Thats science: CONSISTENCY. I admire science. So I thought to myself. Why can’t my life be science? With enough practise and exposure even human behaviour can be predicted, albeit manipulated. ‘Manipulate’ has bad connotations. Think of positive reinforcement a la Pavlov’s dog. Its really not that bad. It’s how people know what to do for their partners for example. One of the most blatant examples of positive reinforcement. We do favours for other ‘favours’.  But I digress.

So here’s where I am now.   I’m on the verge of leaving the sleepy little town that has been ‘home’ for 4 years. But I tell everyone staying here any longer if infringing on my ‘marriage and baby-making’ time. Quite simply staying here longer doesn’t fit into the formula. Yes. Ive broken everything down into formulae. They’re not so much mathematical as they are ‘rules of thumb’ almost. Ive done surveys, over quite a large sample group, to determine the ideal age to get married and start having babies. It’s not weird. It makes perfect sense.

So I’m thinking I need to have my first child by latest 28. But i want to be married for 1-2 years prior to the arrival of children. So say get married by 26. But I want to be in a relationship with this person 2-3 years prior to marriage which puts me at 23/24. So considering I’m not in a relationship at the moment. My formula  requires me to be in a serious relationship by 24 latest. I’m almost 23 so I’m cutting it close. But I could still pull it off.  Especially coz I’m moving to the ‘big city’ next year. That will ensure I have quite a large number of mates to pick from. I’m doing my Masters at the Medical School so I’ll also be exposed to lots of doctors and other academics. IQ is a very important factor when choosing a mate.

All day long my mind is conflicted with ways to make everything fit into a formula. None of this ‘leave it to chance’ business. I’m a compulsive planner. If I can plan it I will. Even if I can’t plan it I’ll still try. As is expected, PEOPLE spoil plans. It’s never really possible to empirically predict what someone is going to do.

Love, relationships, career/work, LIFE. There must be a formula. There must be

When we are working at a difficult task and strive after a good thing, we are fighting a righteous battle, the direct reward of which is that we are kept from much evil. As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed. Indeed life is a have to defend and protect ourselves, and with a cheerful and brace spirit we must battle; we plan and calculate in order to make progress. Vincent van Gogh

I hate change

Scientist say that change is the only constant in the universe. As a scientist I can say scientists can be pretty dumb sometimes. I wish I could take a certain point in time and freeze it that way forever, so things would never change. I’m sure if we tried hard enough it could be done.

My Honours year is over. Im saying goodbye to people I’ve seen almost everyday for four years. It sucks. I hate change. I said goodbye to one of my best friends yesterday. My ‘little brother’ Chuck, and it sucked. I cried a little when he said goodbye. Then we turned to leave i bawled my eyes out. Then it hit me, its going to be a very teary month for me, saying goodbye to EVERYONE! Just when I think I’ve found my feet the ground shifts below me yet again.

Some change is good. But in most cases people leave or die. The cynic I am knows this, but it doesn’t stop me from getting attached to people and the way things are right now.

I don’t want to hinder progress or anything but if it’s alright with you I’d really like to stay HERE and NOW for a while longer. I really do hate change

The return of the funk

Every year, round about November I go through the strangest combination of emotions. ‘Funk’ is possibly the best way to describe it. Im neither here nor there. Im never indecisive but during this time i don’t know what I want, who I want or why I want it. Sitting here listening to Liz Phair (pretty gay) then Ingrid Michaelson (not so gay) then KISS (pretty awesome) all in the space of 5 minutes coz i don’t even know what I want to listen to.

I don’t even know why I feel this way. Its not exactly sadness. or confusion. or anxiety. or frustration. or anything. Maybe I’m just bored. When I’m not busy I tend to think more than I usually do then it seems I start to fall into my own thoughts and get wrapped up in myself. Maybe thats what it is. Im just bored.

Last year November I was so bored I went all the way to Joburg to see a guy I’d been speaking to for ages but hadn’t seen. It could have turned out pretty badly (I’m talking abduction for juju purposes). But we ended up dating so I guess it worked out. I also got my lip piercing then too.

The November before that it was during exams and again I was ‘bored’. So I got my ear pierced, my 12th piercing.

This year is even worse. I don’t even have exams to keep my mind occupied. My thoughts have drifted between love and relationships (the ones i let go and the ones still to come), sexuality (I’m just a little curious), friendships (I’m lucky enough to be able to say that my friendships are solid, I don’t worry about my friendships).And i got my nipple pierced four days ago. My desire for ‘something’ was sated for almost a whole day.

I’m the friend that consoles friends. I’m the one that will always be there when you need someone. I don’t get phased by much so I’m generally not as burdened as everyone else. But times like this I feel like maybe I do need someone.  Then I tell myself I’m not allowed to feel this way. Everyone thinks I’m always OK, I believe it too. So when I’m not OK i don’t know what to do. I’d like to tell someone but I can’t even describe it. I never complain about my life, I don’t feel I have a right to; there’s always someone worse off and there’s really nothing WRONG with my life  So I snap out of it. It usually doesn’t last long. Until next November